When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize