Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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