Me. At least after what I've been through.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
