i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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