hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Let's get the cat blown out
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
