I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
