I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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