Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
