Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
