I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
