She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
