For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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