but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
