Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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