I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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