You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Me too!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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