Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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