if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i love accidental penises.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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