mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
