I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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