Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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