careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
