hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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