My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
