Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
