Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
