Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
