nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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