i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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