went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
