I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
