I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
