I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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