this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize