My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
