i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
