I think I died a long time ago.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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