i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
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she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
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He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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