You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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