respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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