You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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