My room smells like vodka and shame
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
