Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Randomize
