Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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