i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
