I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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