I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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