Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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