im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
