i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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