So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
im six kinds of drunk right now
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
