my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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