how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
