normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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