I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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