mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
