How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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