my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
