The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When are your genitals available?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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