my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
