Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
