I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
